Rising of the Herbert Moon Red Dead Redemption
by herbertmoonlover
Summary: Herbert Moon, Armadillo's store manager, goes on a grand adventure where he must come to grips with his xenophobic ways.


THE SUNSETS

A/N: I apologize in advance if anyone is offended by this story. I love all nouns, both proper and not, and do not discriminate against anyone. Any racism/discrimination in this story is a pure look into the minds of the characters of the story.

Herbert Moon was having a typical day. He didn't really like foreigners, and the band Foreigner wasn't even invented yet, so it's not like he could hum "A Girl Like You" either. He was in the middle of being xenophobic for the 8th time today. It was his only respite from being old.

Then, as if out of nowhere, a young man came in. He was wearing a bandana and a U.S. Marshal uniform.

"I need some Fire Bottles," said the strange man.

"All our goods are American made!" replied Herbert Moon.

The man bought 5 fire bottles, as that was all Herbert Moon had in stock. He promptly left, saying, "That's as good as a deal as you're gonna get!".

No less than 5 minutes later, Herbert heard a large explosion, followed by people screaming. A simple look out the window revealed at least 12 prostitutes on fire.

Herbert Moon knew this was serious business. He took a few seconds to breathe, looked out towards the horizon, and ran as fast as he could, screaming,  
"I'M HERBERT MOON. HERBERT ".

His plan to lay low wasn't successful. The strange young man was standing at the broken doors of the saloon, having a shootout with some folks in top hats.

"LANDON RICKETTS!" shouted the young man.  
"DON'T LET HERBERT MOON DIE!" shouted Herbert Moon.

The young man seemed entranced by the Herbert Moon warcry. He switched quickly from his revolver to his lasso, and roped Herbert Moon by the feet.

"LET ME GO!" exclaimed Herbert Moon.  
"Wow, you're a heavy one" said the young man, as he hoisted Herbert Moon onto his shoulder.

Herbert Moon didn't know what to expect. For the next two hours, the townsfolk seemed not to notice as the young man fireman-carried Herbert Moon around and repeatedly used his legs to hit people in the face.

"HERBERT MOON'D", and, "GET OUTTA MY WAY", the young man would cry.

"I'M NOT A CHILI-EATER", Herbert Moon would yell in hopeful attempts to confuse the man into letting him go.

A few more hours passed, and the man still persisted in his Herbert Moon carrying. Now, the young man was waiting patiently at the train platform.

"Look, Herbert Moon," the young man said, "The train is coming!"

Herbert Moon could not see the train, as he was facing the young man's back and the ground.

As the train rolled into place, the young man stepped onto it. Noone getting off seemed to notice Herbert Moon half-sticking out the train window.

Herbert Moon wondered if he would ever see home again.

The young man paced back and forth on the train, always with Herbert Moon on his shoulder. Herbert Moon had picked up from the young man that his name was "Jack". "Isn't the scenery nice, Herbert Moon?" the young man would ask.  
"I HEARD JOHN MARSTON WAS A SPY FOR THE JEWS" Herbert Moon would reply.

This seemed to displease Jack. Jack walked out between the cars on the train, and accidentally fell off.

Herbert Moon rolled and rolled.

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHK" exclaimed the young man.

Herbert Moon did not say anything. He lay there and half-wished he was dead. All Herbert Moon wanted was to stand in his store and be a xenophobe.

"I HOPE I DIDN'T KILL HERBERT MOON" Herbert Moon heard the young man yell. This warmed Herbert Moon's old heart. Only a little, though.

The young man ran over, saw that Herbert Moon was in fact alive, and picked him up again. The train disappeared into the distance.

The young man whistled, and started running. Herbert Moon did not know what was going to happen.

Then, a white steed appeared. The young man carefully lifted Herbert Moon and placed him on the horses rump. Then they were off!

"We are going on vacation!" the young man told Herbert Moon.  
"DO I LOOK LIKE A CORRAL BARREL? UNTIE ME!" Herbert Moon yelled at an unconcerned passerby.

The young man would occasionally shoot the people who rode past. This concerned Herbert Moon, because he didn't know if they were foreigners or not. Herbert Moon disliked foreigners.

As the sun was setting, Herbert Moon noticed a change in the humidity. He smelled the ocean. He smelled tacos.

"LOOK!" the young man said with a boisterous tone, "IT'S THE SAN LUIS RIVER!"

Herbert Moon was hanging over the side of the bridge that seperated Mexico from the United States.

Herbert Moon disliked foreign lands. Herbert Moon was very frightened.

The horse seemed to ride on forever. Occasionally it would jump. This made Herbert Moon feel queasy.

The young man would yell obscenities sometimes.  
"WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYADANAG" at some times.  
"LESSGO LAYYYYYYYYYYSGO" at others.  
"BASTARD BASTARD!" even once.

Once, wolves ran up to the horses legs. This terrified Herbert Moon. But fortunately, the young man shot the wolves before any damage was done to Herbert Moon.

"DON'T LET HERBERT MOON DIE", Herbert Moon would yell in dangerous situations.

More hours passed.

Eventually, the horse slowed, and finally, it stopped. The sun was almost set.

"WE'RE HERE!" yelled the young man.

The young man took Herbert Moon into a small room with a mexican prostitute. He accidentally placed Herbert Moon's head under an armoire. He lifted Herbert Moon and moved him to the front of the room. He crouched down and fiddled with the ropes that bound Herbert Moon. Nothing happened.

"I've been thinking about getting me a woman... or a washing machine," Herbert Moon said.

The man later took Herbert Moon outside. It was sunny again.

The man shot the Mexican stagecoach driver. Herbert Moon didn't mind. The man seemed confused as he walked around the stagecoach with Herbert. The man left the stagecoach unattended, walked near the railway, and placed Herbert Moon down.

Then, without saying a word, the man cut Herbert Moon loose.

Herbert Moon's leg was in pain, but he ran as fast as he could towards anywhere. The young man followed slowly behind with his lasso out. Herbert Moon was terrified, but kept running.

The young man stopped and looked away for a second to shoot a bird.

Herbert Moon did the only thing he could think of and transformed instantly into a small cactus.

Upon looking back, the young man cursed a curse so vulgar, it didn't even make sense.

He ran wildly, looking for Herbert Moon everwhere.

Eventually the young man gave up, and threw his last fire bottle near Herbert Cactus Moon, but it did not hit him.

The young man ran into the flames, screamed, rolled around, and then walked away, never to be seen again. At least not anytime soon, good for Herbert Moon.

"HERBERT MOON ISN'T GONNA STAND FOR THIS SHIT ANYMORE", sighed Herbert Cactus Moon.


End file.
